Hotashi

It’s been a week since I dropped Jack off at the airport and waved farewell to him. He’ll be back in less than two weeks but I’m already counting down the days. Lately I’ve noticed that I’m more dependent on him…something that I attempted to avoid in the past. This dependence is more along the lines of emotional and psychological dependence. Just knowing that he’s always there when I need to talk about something and knowing that I can trust him with my deepest feelings. Having that security of knowing that I can just be myself around him without having to worry about how I should portray myself. It’s something that I never want to take for granted, especially after seeing so many long-term superficial relationships where the members play along to a fiscade of a perfect relationship when theirs is far from it. It’s disheartening, really and I’m glad I never settled for such a relationship. I have to admit that despite the intimacy I don’t like being dependent. I’ve never been truly independent (although I don’t believe anyone ever really is), and I just don’t like the idea of being vulnerable…like now. How I am just waiting for his return and anticipating his call. I know he did the same thing when I went to Europe last year, but it sucks. I’m pretty sure that missing your significant other is part of a healthy relationship, but my heart hurts. It’s just 9 more days…that’s what I keep telling myself.

read comments (0)

I was just going through a stack of papers and sorting them into my keep and recycle piles when I found the Rainbow centre edition of Blueprint Magazine I had picked up a while ago. I had skimmed through the articles before but I didn’t really remember much. I came across one article called “A Closet Tantrum” where the author wrote about how his decision to come out was selfish. He ended off by stating that “the truth may hurt now, but with any luck, they’ll (his parents) come to realize that honesty was in fact the best policy.” It made me think about my own honesty with my parents. From what I can remember about my childhood and teenage years, I have been quite honest with my parents. Sometimes, I’ve been a little too honest but I attribute that to my bluntness and avoidance of sugar coating things (something that I unfortunately don’t do enough these days). I continued this into my university years and didn’t really avoid telling my parents (read: my mom) about the things I would do. I always thought that this was because I sincerely believed that honesty was the best policy.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my honesty with my mother who relays the information to my father and typically calms him down after he freaks out over my decisions. I always thought that my honesty with them was due to my insistence on being an honest person. Well lately I have found myself purposely keeping things from them. Why? Because I know they would not approve and I’m tired of justifying myself to them. When Jack and I first started dating I told my mother right away even though I knew they wouldn’t approve. They insisted that I should focus on my studies and avoid relationships since they were time consuming (which I can completely understand when I look back now). However I told them anyway and I stuck with my decision. Of course, I wouldn’t have been able to do this if my parents weren’t open-minded enough (unlike many other Indian parents that I know) to let their daughter attend a university away from home, and allow her to date despite their personal beliefs against it. I always pointed to this situation as proof of my honesty with my parents. So what is up with my life now?

Read the rest of this entry »

read comments (0)

Showers are amazing. Not only do you get that awesome feeling of clenliness as warm water soothes your body, but it’s also alone time away from the world to think about anything and everything. As I stood in the tub yesterday under the water I thought about a friend I had talked to earlier in the day. She just broke up with her boyfriend and was understandably quite upset. I listened to her and then shared my experiences with Jack’s and my 3 (or 4?) breaks and one break-up during our four and a half years together. I told her how at the time it hurts like hell but after you scream and weep out all the overwhelming emotions you can face the deeper emotions and thoughts that you wouldn’t otherwise have access to. And once you deal with the second set of emotions and thoughts, you realize things about yourself, your (ex-) partner, and your relationship that you couldn’t really place your finger on before. I think she was relieved to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Still, I couldn’t help but remember how I felt during that time…and it really was hell.

Thinking about this in the shower put things in perspective for me. Previously I didn’t really have high expectations for stereotypical relationship expectations (ie. material love, celebrating extravagantly, regulated romance), but after watching Sex and the City over the past few months, my expectations seemed to shift. It’s quite ridiculous when I think about it now. Why did I want what they had when really, they are so fucked up? How could I not see how much more healthy my relationship with Jack is where we actually had intimacy? Why did I want Jack to perform like all the pieces of meat the four women would bang…well, I can’t say that I ever wanted Samantha’s “love” life. I was mostly awed at Aiden. Damn that Carrie for being such a bitch. =P

While in the shower I asked myself what was the last romantic thing that Jack did for me. And of course I was trying to remember the stereotypical actions (ie. buying flowers or some other useless token that would eventually rot), and of course I couldn’t think of anything. So I asked myself what had Jack done recently that really touched me. Do you know what I thought of? The one time in my life when I was hung over and Jack took care of me. He cleaned up my puke, took care of me the next day (even though he had a killer migrane), and never once complained. Only someone who really loves you will do that. No amount of money can buy it. So I’m glad I don’t have money thrown at me, because I’ve got the real deal.

My friend asked me last week how I knew Jack was the one. I didn’t know how to articulate my feelings to her, but now I know I should have said: he loves me at my worst. Man, my heart feels so warm and fuzzy right now. ^_^

P.S. Don’t worry, I will never get that wasted ever again.

read comments (6)

I heard this joke a few days ago and thought it was funny.

There are three rings in marriage.
1. The engagement ring.
2. The wedding ring.
3. The suffering.

read comments (5)

Dang! Jack and I look good compared to four years ago. The first picture was taken on our first date. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant for dinner and then watched Moon Child (the movie with Hyde and Gackt in it). It feels like so long ago. I can’t really grasp the fact that I’ve only known Jack for four years…it seems like I’ve known him forever. I wonder if that’s what it feels like when you’ve been married to the same person for decades. Can you even remember what it was like to be single? But yeah, we looked so bad. My hair was horrible that night. I had gone to a formal dinner/dance party for first years the night before and the humidity from the dance floor made my hair super frizzy. How was Jack not repulsed by me? I guess love really is blind. Haha, and I can’t believe I still own those clothes! UGH! I can’t wait to get a proper job and get a new wardrobe. T_T

[EDIT] The pictures in this post have been deleted. [/EDIT]

Hmm…the pictures got cut off. Ah well. The wall isn’t important anyway. =P

read comments (4)