Hotashi

It’s been a week since I dropped Jack off at the airport and waved farewell to him. He’ll be back in less than two weeks but I’m already counting down the days. Lately I’ve noticed that I’m more dependent on him…something that I attempted to avoid in the past. This dependence is more along the lines of emotional and psychological dependence. Just knowing that he’s always there when I need to talk about something and knowing that I can trust him with my deepest feelings. Having that security of knowing that I can just be myself around him without having to worry about how I should portray myself. It’s something that I never want to take for granted, especially after seeing so many long-term superficial relationships where the members play along to a fiscade of a perfect relationship when theirs is far from it. It’s disheartening, really and I’m glad I never settled for such a relationship. I have to admit that despite the intimacy I don’t like being dependent. I’ve never been truly independent (although I don’t believe anyone ever really is), and I just don’t like the idea of being vulnerable…like now. How I am just waiting for his return and anticipating his call. I know he did the same thing when I went to Europe last year, but it sucks. I’m pretty sure that missing your significant other is part of a healthy relationship, but my heart hurts. It’s just 9 more days…that’s what I keep telling myself.

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Showers are amazing. Not only do you get that awesome feeling of clenliness as warm water soothes your body, but it’s also alone time away from the world to think about anything and everything. As I stood in the tub yesterday under the water I thought about a friend I had talked to earlier in the day. She just broke up with her boyfriend and was understandably quite upset. I listened to her and then shared my experiences with Jack’s and my 3 (or 4?) breaks and one break-up during our four and a half years together. I told her how at the time it hurts like hell but after you scream and weep out all the overwhelming emotions you can face the deeper emotions and thoughts that you wouldn’t otherwise have access to. And once you deal with the second set of emotions and thoughts, you realize things about yourself, your (ex-) partner, and your relationship that you couldn’t really place your finger on before. I think she was relieved to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Still, I couldn’t help but remember how I felt during that time…and it really was hell.

Thinking about this in the shower put things in perspective for me. Previously I didn’t really have high expectations for stereotypical relationship expectations (ie. material love, celebrating extravagantly, regulated romance), but after watching Sex and the City over the past few months, my expectations seemed to shift. It’s quite ridiculous when I think about it now. Why did I want what they had when really, they are so fucked up? How could I not see how much more healthy my relationship with Jack is where we actually had intimacy? Why did I want Jack to perform like all the pieces of meat the four women would bang…well, I can’t say that I ever wanted Samantha’s “love” life. I was mostly awed at Aiden. Damn that Carrie for being such a bitch. =P

While in the shower I asked myself what was the last romantic thing that Jack did for me. And of course I was trying to remember the stereotypical actions (ie. buying flowers or some other useless token that would eventually rot), and of course I couldn’t think of anything. So I asked myself what had Jack done recently that really touched me. Do you know what I thought of? The one time in my life when I was hung over and Jack took care of me. He cleaned up my puke, took care of me the next day (even though he had a killer migrane), and never once complained. Only someone who really loves you will do that. No amount of money can buy it. So I’m glad I don’t have money thrown at me, because I’ve got the real deal.

My friend asked me last week how I knew Jack was the one. I didn’t know how to articulate my feelings to her, but now I know I should have said: he loves me at my worst. Man, my heart feels so warm and fuzzy right now. ^_^

P.S. Don’t worry, I will never get that wasted ever again.

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Death is a weird thing. We all have to deal with it at some point in our lives, and we’ll all have to face it sooner or later. It’s inevitable and yet it usually always comes as a shock when it happens. Even when we are wanting someone to pass (hopefully to put them out of their suffering), we still feel pain when we have to let them go. Death goes hand in hand with mourning. If you don’t mourn right away it WILL wait for you. Sadly, it will hit you at an unexpected (and usually) and inconvenient time. Better to deal with it when it happens than let it linger. That’s what I think.

Jack’s grandfather passed away this weekend. It was expected, but it’s still hard to deal with. Did I like the man? I wouldn’t say I hated him. I didn’t really know him. Yet when I found out he died, I still cried. I don’t know if I was crying for him or for my grandmother that passed away almost at this same time last year. One of those quirky things about death I guess…it’s not always about the one who died.

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I bought my first bottle of mouthwash today. I was really proud of myself for making a healthy purchase (along with iron pills for my low iron levels) and I couldn’t wait to use it. Well I just used it and IT BURNS LIKE HELL! I guess I don’t know what hell burns are like literally, but seriously it burns. WTF?! Why does it hurt so much? I expected a little pain but that was a lot. My eyes were watering like mad and I just stood there with my mouth wide open while every muscle in my mouth tightened in pain. What a horrible experience. I am so dilluting it tomorrow morning. GRR! >=/

I also got iron pills today. I stopped taking them a while ago because I’m LAZY! I am determined to take better care of myself this year. I want to eat more vegetarian meals and wean myself off meat. I’m still working on getting on top of a regular exercise schedule. My tummy and bumbum keep expanding and my asthma keeps getting worse. I want to be fit! Ok, this is my post to get myself in gear. I will be healthy! Anyone with me? >=D

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I don’t know if I’m going out of my mind because of this 20 page paper I have to write on the torture in Abu Ghraib, or because I’ve been living in my room for the past three days straight. Well…the two are obviously related. A pefect example of my temporary insanity. Seriously, this topic is very emotionally draining. It is sad to say, but I can’t wait until I’m done thinking about torture so that I can start on my 20 page research proposal. Yay =_=…WHY WON’T THIS TERM END?!!!

Anyway, I just needed to do something besides read about torture so I’m going to list things that I want.

1. This term to be OVER!
2. My legs to stop hurting from sitting and reading for the past three days.
3. More chocolate! Jack brought me chocolate the last time he was up and I finished them. Oh how I miss thee, Lindor chocolates. So deliciously smooth and creamy…yum. ^_^
4. A delicious glazed donut. Like the ones I had in Boston.
5. To finish watching Hana Kimi (Japanese version) with Noops.
6. To have better bangs. I think I will cut them myself this time. O_O!
7. Gotta think of a seventh thing since six is such an ugly number. Oh! Post-it notes that actually stick! Useless dollar store brand. >_>

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