Hotashi

I am very dissatisfied with my life right now. I hate how I no longer live on my own but rather am forced to live with my parents. That’s not easy after five years of independence! I am also unemployed which gives me very little to do aside from job hunting. And because I have more ‘free time’ than Jack does I am supposed to do more of the wedding planning than he is. A part of me is glad because really, I can’t trust Jack’s judgment on a lot of things. It’s not that he has poor taste, but he is very impatient and not very detailed oriented, which are two critical qualities to have for wedding planning.

I also get nagged at by my mother because of how messy the house is. I can barely even walk around my room because my sister’s stuff takes up some of the space while the rest of my stuff lays around because there is nowhere else to put it all. What does my mom say? Put it away. Where?!! She also nags me that the study I was renovating is not done even though I am waiting on her to buy the rest of the furniture for the room. Did she give me a budget and money for me to go and buy the things on my own? No, of course not. That would make too much sense. Instead her attitude was “let me know what you want and I’ll buy it.” Which means, I have to wait on you! And of course now all her complaining is about how I am not doing any work. HOW CAN I WHEN I DON’T HOLD THE MONEY TO FINISH THE PROJECT?! Honestly, it’s so fucked up.

I’m so aggravated that I just want to move out. But where would I move to? The only place is to move in with Jack which has its own bullshit qualities of its own. I hate that I’m a freeloader. I have no income which means I have to rely on others to feed and shelter me. And whenever I go out I think to myself, how call all these idiots get a job and I can’t? Yes, I am becoming snobbier by the day. And my situation is just making me more and more angry. I harbour so much hatred now and ill feelings. I hate this. I am becoming someone I hate. A freeloading, angry, snob! I just want to be happy. I want to be employed, and independent, and happy!

P.S. To those who have commented recently: sorry that I haven’t commented back yet. I don’t want to chance leaving you all angry comments. -_-

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I just got hit on by a brown guy in a pharmacy. Hahaha…what the heck? I’m always surprised when guys hit on me (I’ve never gotten hit on by a girl…unless I was oblivious). But in all seriousness I don’t know why anyone would hit on me. Usually when I go bars with my friends the blonde usually always get hit on first, or the ones that are showing a lot of cleavage. Most guys don’t even look at me, which is fine by me. I’m not into superficial losers. I like going to the bar to have a good time with my friends, not to get picked up. This hit on surprised me though. I was just standing in the aisle looking at asprin and thinking if I need to restock. Totally random and no alcohol was involved. Weird.

And more on the creepy side, I got into the elevator to go up to the apartment (I’m staying at Jack’s place while he’s in Boston) and a guy got in with me on the main floor. I pushed my floor and he didn’t…he just stood there…facing me (rather than facing the front of the elevator). I didn’t know if I should ask him what floor he wanted, but creep vibes took over me and I was too timid to say anything. I was so scared he was going to try to follow me and attack me or something. Just before my floor he then pressed the pool floor. Sigh of relief, but still creepy. Why would he do that? Mofo. >_>

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I’m becoming increasingly irritable, frustrated and dissatisfied day by day. I hate being unemployed and stuck at home. I pretty much travel back and forth from home during the week to Jack’s place in Toronto on the weekends. My time revolves around wedding planning, watching television, browsing the net (mostly for wedding stuff), posting on the wedding blog, and pretty much just bumming around the house. I do run some errands, including driving people around, dropping them off, accompanying them while they complete some tasks, and picking up things for people. But really, this is a sucky life. It was okay for a couple of weeks to be at home and relax, but everyday I am going more and more crazy. I have an increasingly shorter fuse with my mom and the wedding planning just makes me want to elope. I’m simultaneously disengaged from my thoughts and feelings while at the same time overwhelmed by dissatisfaction. I need a job to keep my sanity!

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I am appaled. Completely appaled. There used to be a time when I would have supported proposition 8. I refer to that stage as my young, dark, naive stage of life; before I recognized the dynamics of my own privilege as a heterosexual being. In a nutshell, proposition 8 was a proposition put forth in the state of California where its citizens were able to vote on whether or not the passing of the gay marriage law should be reversed. I was shocked that it passed and because of this, same-sex marriages are no longer legal. It has not been decided whether those marriages conducted when it was legal will still be recognized under California law.

Aside from the blatant human rights violation, I am terribly disappointed that MILLIONS of dollars were raised by “Christian” (I use that term loosly) organizations in order to withhold this right from people - their fellow Americans. I do not see how any Christian can condone this behaviour. Do you really think you are doing God’s work by preventing same-sex marriage while there are people living in poverty in your own neighbourhoods? Do you really think Jesus will pat you on the back for getting your priorities in check by letting people starve while you stopped same-sex unions from being legalized? Do you really think you’re making this world a better place by creating, sustaining, and promoting ignorance, ostricization, and homophobia? Do you really think you are doing your children a favour by sustaining a hateful world? Seriously! This is bullshit.

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