Hotashi

Showers are amazing. Not only do you get that awesome feeling of clenliness as warm water soothes your body, but it’s also alone time away from the world to think about anything and everything. As I stood in the tub yesterday under the water I thought about a friend I had talked to earlier in the day. She just broke up with her boyfriend and was understandably quite upset. I listened to her and then shared my experiences with Jack’s and my 3 (or 4?) breaks and one break-up during our four and a half years together. I told her how at the time it hurts like hell but after you scream and weep out all the overwhelming emotions you can face the deeper emotions and thoughts that you wouldn’t otherwise have access to. And once you deal with the second set of emotions and thoughts, you realize things about yourself, your (ex-) partner, and your relationship that you couldn’t really place your finger on before. I think she was relieved to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Still, I couldn’t help but remember how I felt during that time…and it really was hell.

Thinking about this in the shower put things in perspective for me. Previously I didn’t really have high expectations for stereotypical relationship expectations (ie. material love, celebrating extravagantly, regulated romance), but after watching Sex and the City over the past few months, my expectations seemed to shift. It’s quite ridiculous when I think about it now. Why did I want what they had when really, they are so fucked up? How could I not see how much more healthy my relationship with Jack is where we actually had intimacy? Why did I want Jack to perform like all the pieces of meat the four women would bang…well, I can’t say that I ever wanted Samantha’s “love” life. I was mostly awed at Aiden. Damn that Carrie for being such a bitch. =P

While in the shower I asked myself what was the last romantic thing that Jack did for me. And of course I was trying to remember the stereotypical actions (ie. buying flowers or some other useless token that would eventually rot), and of course I couldn’t think of anything. So I asked myself what had Jack done recently that really touched me. Do you know what I thought of? The one time in my life when I was hung over and Jack took care of me. He cleaned up my puke, took care of me the next day (even though he had a killer migrane), and never once complained. Only someone who really loves you will do that. No amount of money can buy it. So I’m glad I don’t have money thrown at me, because I’ve got the real deal.

My friend asked me last week how I knew Jack was the one. I didn’t know how to articulate my feelings to her, but now I know I should have said: he loves me at my worst. Man, my heart feels so warm and fuzzy right now. ^_^

P.S. Don’t worry, I will never get that wasted ever again.

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