Archive for June, 2007
RAWR
Author: Ams
I hate looking for a job, especially a summer job.
..that is all
read comments (6)Questioning My Abilities
Author: Ams
I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember. As far as I know, I’ve always believed. I still do. There are times in my life though when I slip away from God. Not because I don’t believe in Him, but because I start to feed into the lies of the world and start to focus my attention on other things. In the past few years (during university), this has been an ongoing battle for me. I keep trying to be a good Christian but I still seem to slip away into my dark world of sin.
It is not the feeling of guilt that brings me back to Jesus. It’s just that I miss Him. I miss having that feeling of security and friendship. Just knowing that as long as I do my best for Jesus, then that is all that matters. You might say that is nieve, but life is never more joyful otherwise. Lately one of the burdens in my life has been my future in academia. During the second half of my third year and the first half of my fourth year completing my BA, I wanted to obtain an MA. It was not because I wanted to have a special status or a higher income. I wanted to make a difference by contributing something to society. After being accepted into the Laurier Master’s program, I am scared. Well, not scared. TERRIFIED. I am not trying to be modest when I say I am not the smartest person. I’m above average in many respects, but no where close to the brilliance that I have witnessed from some of my peers. I do not know how I will manage at all. I don’t know how I will cope. I don’t even know how I got in!
This was really plaguing me last night. It was sparked from an e-mail I received telling me that my paper did not make the final cut of an undergraduate journal that I had applied to last year. I kept telling myself it was not a big deal. Looking back at the paper, it wasn’t as great as I thought it had been when I wrote it over a year ago. But that blatant rejection just added fuel to the fire. I was even more convinced that I was not qualified to be in this program. I just wanted to crawl a corner in my room and sit in the fetal position for as long as I could. Just as I was feeding into the feeling of inadequacy, I felt an even stronger feeling of missing Jesus. I knew that all I had to do was just spend some time with Him and I would feel instantly better. So I did.
I opened up the first page of a book that my mom got me the other day called God’s Little Devotional Book for Graduates. On one of the first pages it said this:
- Graduation is a time of great expectations and adventures. In His wisdom however, God only lets you see as far ahead as today. When life’s rough mountain peeks and deep valleys stand in the way of your goals, don’t be discouraged. Take your eyes off those around you. Take a fresh look at the person God designed you to be. Then continue toward your destination, one step at a time.
Those words were really encouraging to me. I felt like God was speaking specifically to me through that verse. So I’ve decided to take things one day at a time and to trust in God. I’ve gotten through many things through His strength, so I don’t have anything to fear. Easier said than done, of course. But I will try.
My New Loves
Author: Ams
So I finally have a non-depressing post! Firstly, my family purchased a new fridge. The one we’re using is over 20 years old and is NARSTY! Our food tastes funky and we’ve accumulated a lot of crap (not literally). It will be delivered next Thursday. I am counting down the days. I’m looking forward to being married and picking out appliances and stuff for my first place. Haha…is that dorky? O_O! Well I think it’s cool. My parents had been looking at fridges for a couple of months now and my mom has been extremely annoyed at my dad for being so lazy about it. She was so fed up that she just wanted to go to the store and pick out any fridge. I went with her and when we picked one she liked, we gave my dad a call and he was giving her trouble with it again. So he finally came down to the store and I had to convince him that it was a good fridge. My poor mother. She has to wait months for her daughter to come home and convince her husband of something that doesn’t need a lot of convincing (the fridge is really nice). He kept arguing that the fridge was too tall even though we had it measured and everything. ARGH! But that is over with and we are finally going to get a new fridge. Yay! =D
The End And The Beginning
Author: Ams
Well the day finally came last Sunday. The day I have been dreading for over a year. Maki finally left for Japan, most likely never to come back to Canada. The only chance of seeing her again is to visit her in Japan. I am going to hope with all that I have that this is a guaranteed future. It was hard to hold back the tears at some points, especially walking her to the gate, but I managed to keep smiling. I really hate goodbyes.
Despite this sucky news, I have some good news as well. I made it into the Laurier Masters program. So I will be back in Waterloo to finish up one more year of schooling. I’m glad I finally received a conformation on their decision so that I can let it sink in and take care of all the nitty gritty things that I have to do for that. I’m not sure if I want to stay in the same place that I’ve been living. Although it is a great place to live and it would be convenient to not move, there are so many memories in the place. Not having everyone there with me may put me into mega depression mode. Plus I wouldn’t know who I would be living with, if anyone at all. I’m still not sure about those things, but I will pray about it and leave it to God. Whenever I place things in His hands, everything always works out better than if I worried about it.
Since I’m home I also got to visit Froggy’s grave. I don’t miss him as much now. Probably because I’ve been away from him so long that it’s not as shocking. My mom has put a nice stepping stone over his grave and has planted a flower next to it. Very nice. I’m somewhat relieved that I didn’t have to be there when he died. I think I would be a lot more upset. Anyway, that is all for now. I hope I will have more lively posts soon. Sorry for being so bummed out lately.
Season To Let Go
Author: Ams
I find that this is a time in my life where I have to say goodbye a lot. Firstly there are those deaths that I mentioned previously, and then it is the end of my undergraduate career, an end to university life (perhaps), an end to living in Waterloo (perhaps), and end to living with my roomates, etc. My roommate Maki is moving back to Japan on Sunday. I’m not sure how I will react after it sinks in that she is gone, but right now I’m trying to focus on the here and now. I still have a few more days with her.
I used to be one of those people that hated when things ended. Even when I have something I was eating that I liked, I would eat it slowly to savour every piece. I still do that. It drives my sister insane. She’s a scarfer. I don’t know if it is because I have matured or I have had to learn to say goodbye that I deal with it better. I still cry and it still hurts, but I don’t run away from it as much. I really hate saying goodbye though. It sucks. But everything has to come to an end. It’s a part of life, and I know that. But it plauges my heart when I know that there are some people that I may never see again. Those who I care about deeply. It hurts.